You need to make a decision
When someone cheats on you, you need to make a decision. Are you going to stay with them or not? If you’re trying to figure out how to get over someone cheating on you, remember that for some people, the decision is easy, while for others it’s much more difficult.
If you have children, your decision not only affects you, but it also affects them as well. But what’s important is that whatever you decide to do, you do it. That way, you can focus on the next steps for self-healing.
Don't blame yourself
Cheaters really are the worst. Nothing has the power to undermine someone's confidence like infidelity. Unfortunately, so many people who are victims of cheating fall into the trap of feeling like their partner's infidelity was somehow a reflection of their inadequacy. Rarely do I use the word never, but please believe me when I say that this is never true.
Here's why: People who cheat do it for many different reasons. Just about every one of those reasons is a reflection of something they were feeling. Having feelings, whether those feelings are boredom or dissatisfaction in the relationship, is totally understandable, but they owed it to you to do their best to communicate those feelings to you. If they did communicate and things didn't improve from their perspective, then they could have ended the relationship, but they didn't. They made the decision to selfishly pursue their own needs above all else.
Cheating is never the fault of the faithful partner; it is a deliberate action carried out by people who, in many instances, were too cowardly to deal with the underlying issue head on, whatever that may have been. Cheating was their decision, and the ramifications of that decision are also their fault.
Express how you're feeling to someone you trust
Imagine clamping a water hose while the nozzle is switched on. What do you think will happen if you suddenly unclamp it? That's right: the water will come bursting out at a very strong pressure. This is just the same thing with your hurtful feelings.
The more you keep it inside, the more it will be bubbling up inside you and can become dangerous. And when the time comes that you can't hold it in anymore, everything will come bursting out.
A good approach to this is to open up to a person. Share your thoughts and feelings with somebody you really trust, like your parents or your best friend. Doing this will help you unload these hurtful and painful feelings inside of you.
Sometimes after infidelity you may need the help of a professional. You can ask your therapists or counselors to help you through this painful time. When talking to them, don't shy away with the things that you say. Be willing to give it your all and pour out all those negative emotions. Remember that they are there to help you, not to criticize you.
Face up to the pain
We all have different ways of coping after a break up. Drinking to oblivion hoping you'll forget, sleeping with randoms from Tinder in an attempt to fuck the pain away, but being in denial is never going to get you anywhere.
The only way to ‘get over’ a break-up or a betrayal, like any other suffering we experience in life is to fully go through it and that means letting ourselves feel and express the pain.
Get the closure you need
This part of the healing process can be so painful that I almost left it out. But as someone who has so much trouble letting go, I think it is strangely the most important.
Closure may come in the form of a dozen different things; every person is different. Some people may feel desperate to know the details of the transgression(s) (i.e., who, what, when, where, why). I happen to be one of those people. I can tell you that scheduling a time to talk, whether that be over the phone or in person, to get the answers you need is absolutely necessary for some people. If you don't cope well with emotions, it may be better to give yourself some time to simmer before asking these questions; otherwise, things could get very ugly. You also have to accept the fact that what they have to say may be neither the truth nor what you want to hear, so try your best not to obsess over the details. Other people may simply want to hear the other person explain why they did what they did.
For some, the idea of seeking closure through examining the details of a partners transgression is completely out of the question, and please know that this is completely OK. If you'd rather stay in the dark about the specifics of the infidelity, then the best course of action is to immediately remove yourself from any situations involving your ex that aren't necessary to the breakup, and make your ex aware of your wishes.
Accept that you cannot change what happened, but can grow from it
The thought that your partner has cheated on you can really be very difficult to swallow. And even if you think you can manage to swallow it, you would only be fooling yourself.
People think they can move on with their lives if they suppress all the negative emotions and get themselves to believe it never happened. You can try to fool yourself but you can't truly fool your heart.
As long as you can't accept the fact that it actually happened, you will feel the pain and hurt over and over again. But how can you accept such a thing did actually happen when all it gives you is anguish? To be able to accept, you need to embrace the pain and acknowledge its existence.
Contemplate the things that have happened and concentrate on what you want to happen in your relationship. Think of the future and see how bright it is. The hurt may not go away instantly, but gradually it will lessen day after day. Time is a great healer if it's what you want and are willing to focus on.
Remove them from your life
That is if you’re choosing to break up with them. If not, then you need to see a couple’s therapist to help you work through your issues. But if you’re choosing to leave them then fully leave them.
Tell them that you need space away from them and ask them to stop contacting you until you contact them. Of course, you may never want to speak to them again, and that’s totally okay. But you need to cut the cord until you grieve and mourn.
Avoid viewing the relationship in retrospect as ‘all good’
No relationships are black and white, they're complicated and murky things. If you want to learn and grow from your past relationships (and heartbreak), it's really important to recognise the good and not so good.
Many people whose partner has cheated will initially cling to the belief that ‘everything was wonderful’ before the betrayal, that everything which was formerly perfect has now been ruined. Inevitably what comes out over time is that things weren’t perfect. The client and often their partner too were trying to paper over the cracks in the relationship and now with the affair, things have imploded.
Avoid viewing the relationship in retrospect as ‘all bad’
It's the easiest thing in the world to go hell for leather, telling anyone who'll listen that your cheating ex is a lying scumbag who's worth less than the mouldy chewing gum on your shoe. But this isn't a healthy way to move on and the reason why we do it is partly due to denial.
It stems from a reluctance to want to feel their pain and hoping that they can convince themselves that they never really loved their cheating partner anyway. However, the heart only ‘feels’, it cannot understand nor be taken in by these words we try and deceive ourselves with. Also, by trying to convince ourselves that our ex and the relationship was awful anyway, we are merely undermining ourselves and our life choices. If we truly believe we were in an ‘all bad’ relationship with an ‘all bad’ partner, what does that say about our ability to make choices that are good for us?
Don't look back
Once you start to notice you're feeling better, however long it takes, you may feel tempted to check in on your ex, whether through the friends you have in common or, worse, if you run into them while you're out and about. Don't do it. I repeat: Don't do it. There's a pretty huge chance that this will set you back some steps in the healing process.
Remember, things happened the way they happened and no amount of shoulda, coulda, woulda can change that. Although I can't promise that you will ultimately be able to completely forget what they did, I can promise that no matter how upset you feel in this moment, you can experience love again. Don't let the decisions of one person stand in the way of you opening your heart to someone else in the future.
Channel your energy
Chances are, now you're not spending most of your time with your (now) ex, you've got a lot more space to explore your own shit. You do you.
It's possible to harness the hurt and the pain into something positive. Use the time you might suddenly have at your disposal to allow yourself to do the things you'd refrained from during it. You'll suddenly felt liberated to start shining the light on yourself, especially if you've been playing a supporting role to your partner for a long time.
Be determined to use the immense energy and emotion passing through you to find momentum and drive to push your own goals forward. While the sadness can be very present, the months after a break up can trigger possibly the most productive and inspiring time in your life.
Having someone cheat on you isn’t a walk in the park. The real challenge is learning how to get over someone cheating on you and dealing with the emotions. Now that you know how to how to get over someone cheating on you, it’s best to really focus on yourself and repair the damage that’s been done.