Fixing Insecurity: 11 Smart Ways To Get Over Insecurity In A Relationship
Figure out what make you feel this way
Are you experiencing an insecure relationship right now? Really, why do you feel insecure in your relationship? One of the best ways to understand relationship insecurities is to understand the root cause of the problem.
You’re insecure because you’re afraid of losing your lover (maybe to someone else). But why do you feel that way?
Do you feel insecure in the relationship because a lot of people are attracted to your lover? Is it because your partner spends a lot of time out with their own friends and doesn’t call you? Or is it because your partner never really makes you feel special and appreciated? Or is it something else? To really understand relationship insecurities, you need to ponder over your insecurities and find the real reason. And most importantly, is there something your partner can do about it?
Speak to your partner
Once you’ve understand the cause of your relationship insecurities, speak to your partner about it. You don’t have to tell your partner that you’re feeling insecure, that may just strain the relationship further. Just mention that you don’t feel loved at times and explain a few examples when you did feel insecure.
Don’t sound frustrated or sad, just say it matter-of-factly. If your partner does love you, they’d try to reassure you and make you feel better.
But before you voice your insecurities, be certain that it’s something your partner can reasonably change. It’s alright to ask your boyfriend to pay more attention to you when he’s with his friends or while talking to another girl. It’s just not alright to ask him to stop talking to girls or his friends!
Stop thinking it is all about you
A self-centered worldview will have you chasing boogeymen where they don’t exist. If your partner doesn’t feel like going out, don’t assume it is because of you when they just as easily could have had a really bad day at work that drained their energy.
Stop psycho-analyzing every word choice your partner makes and be more present in the moment so you can notice the message behind their tone, physical presence, and posture. Obsessing with hidden meanings is a sure-fire way to miss the point.
Don’t berate your partner for being too quiet, or continuously ask, “What are you thinking?” during every lapse of conversation. An overwhelming urge to fill every second of silence with needless words is a habit of an insecure person. Take your partner’s hand, breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy the silence together. Who says you can’t enjoy simply being with each other without words?
Take stock of your value
When you feel insecure, you are often focused on something you feel is lacking about you. In most well-matched relationships, each partner brings different qualities and strengths that compliment the other. It is possible to be equals in different ways. In order to feel more secure in a relationship it helps to know what you have to offer to the other person. You don’t have to be rich or beautiful to offer something—personality characteristics are far more important to the overall quality of a relationship. Think about the traits you have as a person—you may be nice, trustworthy, funny, kind, or a good communicator. These are traits most people value in a partner. And think about how you make the other person’s life better: Do you make them feel loved, supported, and happy? These are things everyone wants to feel in a relationship, but many often don’t. Focus on what you offer instead of what you feel you lack; this will change your perspective. If the other person doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer, that’s his or her loss.
Stop confusing imagination with reality
Making stuff up and then believing it is a sure-fire way to self-torment.
The insecure flyer will hear the normal mechanism of the air conditioning and twist it within their imagination to signify impending doom via crash and burn. They'll imagine the bored look on an air steward's face to be barely concealed terror because, "He must know something we don't!" The over-imaginative flyer may even fantasize the sound of the landing gear coming down is an engine falling from the plane. They scare themselves by assuming what they imagine represents reality.
There are normal 'mechanisms' to any relationship. There are ebbs and flows and mood changes, moments of intimacy and closeness and comfortable spaces. These ebbs and flows are normal. Wanting to be absolutely close and intimate all the time is like wanting an aeroplane to never make a sound or a movement.
Next time you feel insecure, ask yourself what it is you are imagining. Write it down on paper under, 'Stuff I am making up in my head.' Being able to distinguish between what you imagine and what is actually happening is a massive step toward self-assurance.
Stop seeing things in black and white
How do you react when someone blames you for something that you don’t think is your fault? Survey says: you get defensive.
Likewise, confronting your partner over a problem—no matter how obvious it may be to you—will most likely cause them to become defensive. This usually leads to a knock-down, drag-out fight that is the opposite of productive because you’re both too busy trying to prove you’re right to resolve your conflict.
If you have a problem, don’t immediately point the finger, but instead approach your partner with compassion and understanding. Be comfortable in the fact that neither of you is fully “right” or “wrong.” The true answer lies somewhere in the middle.
Build your self-esteem
Research shows that people with more relationship insecurity tend to have poorer self-esteem. When you aren’t feeling good about who you are on the inside, it is natural to want to look outside of yourself for validation. However, trying to feel good by getting approval from your partner is a losing situation for any relationship. When your well-being depends on someone else, you give away all of your power. A healthy partner won’t want to carry this kind of burden and it can push him or her away. Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with genuinely liking yourself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes your partner want to be closer to you.
Building your self-esteem isn't as difficult as it may seem. Building self-confidence comes with experience, but there are two steps you can take that will rapidly improve how you feel about yourself, Learn to silence your inner critic and practice self-compassion, and retrain yourself to focus on the aspects of yourself you like instead of the ones you don’t like.
Stop 'mind reading'
Constantly wondering what your partner is thinking is a quick route to anxiety. If they say one thing don't assume they mean another. If they say nothing don't assume that their silence is significant, either.
Many men relax by not talking. Constantly wondering and asking what someone is thinking is a dead end because even if they do tell, will you believe them anyway?
'Mind reading' happens when we assume we know what someone is thinking when we don't. When you stop doing it, you really begin to respect someone's privacy because everyone deserves the right to have space to think their own thoughts. Constantly asking, "What are you thinking?" can make someone want to withdraw further.
Accept the things that you can’t change
Don’t grieve over the things that you can never get back, the realities that you cannot change in your relationship. One of the causes of insecurities is our failure to realize that the challenges that we see and experience with your significant other are part of life. However, you can still make it better.
Start with how you see yourself and how you react to uncertainties, to events and experiences that come your way. Do you respond in anger? Do you dwell in anxiety? Or do you accept them with a kind of maturity that can help you cope and survive?
For security: Seek self-assurance
Rather than always looking to the other person to make you feel secure in your relationship, get into the habit of reassuring yourself. Start to challenge your own fears and imaginings rather than just accepting them. Ask yourself: "Hold on a second. What real evidence is there for this fear?" At the same time you can focus on the thought: "Okay, nothing in this life is certain and I can live with that. And even if this relationship did end, I'm strong enough to go through it and ride it and will have learnt things from it." We all need to go with the flow in relationships. What we fear will be 'the end of the world' if it happens never really is.
Trust in yourself
Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the other person but, more importantly, on learning to trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that no matter what the other person does, you will take care of you. Trust yourself to know that you won’t ignore your inner voice when it tells you that something isn’t right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself to make sure your needs are met, and trust yourself that you won’t lose your sense of self-identity. Trust yourself to know that if the relationship isn’t working, you will be able to leave and still be a wholly functioning individual. When you trust yourself, feeling secure is almost a guarantee. If finding this kind of trust in yourself seems very difficult on your own, you may wish to work with a professional who can help you learn how to do this.
It's important to remember that no one is perfect—we all come with some baggage. But it isn’t necessary to be perfect in order to be in a happy, healthy, and secure relationship. When you take your attention off of what other people think and keep the focus on yourself, you can’t help become a better, more secure version of yourself.